


I'm Sorry

by WorldofImagination18



Category: Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Confessions, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Miscarriage, Tragedy, hopelessly in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:09:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29737833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorldofImagination18/pseuds/WorldofImagination18
Summary: Kate and Anthony's happily married life is turned upside down by a sudden and tragic turn of events. But it's coming to terms with those events that they find hardest to deal with.
Relationships: Anthony Bridgerton/Kate Sheffield
Comments: 9
Kudos: 101





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> So this story does deal with miscarriage and coming to terms with it. Just to let people know in case it's a subject they struggle to read about.

Kate gazed out of her bedroom window. The sun was just starting to peek through the trees and even in the low light she could see the seemingly endless stretch of fields that covered the estate. Maybe it was from having spent most of her life in Somerset, but Kate preferred the country to London any day. She knew Anthony did too – even if he was less vocal about it. They initially agreed to split their time between Bridgerton House, and Aubrey Hall equally given the responsibilities Anthony still felt towards his family. But without realising it, they’d soon found themselves spending more time in Kent than London. Often begging excuses for the drop in frequency of their visits.

Kate placed a hand over her stomach. They had planned to travel back to London this week. A little early in the seasons maybe, but they’d both been overjoyed to give their good news in person. A small smile flickered on her lips. Only now was she realising it was a good thing neither of them had written ahead to either of their families. It meant they were spared having to notify them of the change in plans. Kate let her hand ghost over her stomach. She wasn’t sure how she was meant to feel at this point. After all, they’d only known for a few weeks. They had both been excited at the prospect of having a baby – even Anthony, much to her surprise – but it had still been too soon for anything to seem real. And now it wasn’t.

Kate glanced over her shoulder. The bed which, up until two nights ago, had been shared by both her and her husband now sat empty. Although the sheets had been changed she could still see the stains on the bedding. Feel the coldness of Anthony’s side of the bed which hadn’t been touched since that night. Kate pushed herself away from the window. Under orders from both the doctor and Anthony, she’d stayed in bed for the past two days. But she knew if she spent a second longer in the room then something was liable to be broken in frustration. Except she didn’t know what to do. Whilst her days had never exactly been completely packed; Kate had always found something to fill her time. Except now she didn’t want to do anything. Yet at the same time she didn’t _not_ want to anything.

She could read? Except that would mean finding something that would take up her attention completely. Unlike Edwina, Kate found herself unable to be so absorbed by a book that she failed the notice what was going on around her. She could practice her flute? She immediately shook her head at the thought. It was far too early to be waking the rest of the household with the noises she made from that instrument. Besides, if she woke the household then she would also wake Anthony and he would insist she go back to bed and rest. Which would just send her mad.

She eyed the window that overlooked the estate grounds as idea occurred to her. She needed to get out of the house. As much as she loved her home, right now it was suffocating her. She needed to get out. She needed space. She needed to do something which would help her ignore the fact her husband had barely looked at her since she lost their baby two nights ago.

Kate hurried towards her wardrobe and began searching for the dress she wore when having her riding lessons.

She just had to hope none of the grooms or stable boys were up yet.

* * *

Kate slipped into the empty stables with a smile. Sneaking downstairs without coming across any of the household had been a challenge. But she assumed it was early enough that no one would be up yet. Or if they were then they hadn’t made it into the main areas of the Hall. She hurried towards the stall at the very end of the stables and a chestnut nose gently prodded her face.

“Morning.” Kate rubbed the horses nose with a smile. “What do you say to an early ride?”

Galileo snorted in response. Kate could still remember the day they had first been introduced. Although Anthony knew she was reluctant to accept lavish gifts from him, he’d reasoned she needed her own horse. And so, Galileo had been brought to the Hall. Kate could still remember the look on his face when she’d named him. Obviously, he’d expected her to name him something more….feminine. But then again, he did know her dog was called Newton so choosing Galileo for her horse couldn’t have been a huge surprise.

“Okay.” Kate whispered. “You’ll need to be patient with me because I’m very slow at doing this. So, no stomping your hooves.”

Galileo stepped backwards from his stall door by way of his answer and Kate unlocked it as quickly as she dared. She was half expecting someone to enter at any moment. Once they realised her plans they would insist on accompanying her. Or worse just make her go back inside. She just need a few hours where she was Kate. Not Kate Bridgerton. Not Lady Bridgerton. Just Kate.

“Come on then.” Kate gently led Galileo from his box towards the middle of the stables.

“Just stay there for me okay?”

Galileo stood there obediently whilst she hurried to brush him down and get him saddled and ready. Moving the saddle itself was tougher than she had expected. But eventually she got it on the horses back and was quick to do all the straps. Whilst it was usually the grooms who did these jobs when she wanted to go riding; she’d watched them enough times to pick up how it was done. Galileo gave an approving snort as she stood back to check everything was secure. Within a few minutes, the bridle was securely in place.

“Right.” Kate clapped her hands. “Off we go.”

When Anthony mounted a horse, it was done in a single movement than always managed to look effortless. If she tried it without assistance she usually had the exact opposite effect. Usually, one of the grooms of stable boys would be there to assist. Today however, a wooden box would have to serve the purpose. Kate stood on the wooden box and eyed her horse carefully.

“I’m sure you find it very amusing I need a box to help me get on. But trust me it’s much better than having to have someone actually helping you.”

With a grunt she managed to pull herself onto Galileo’s back. After making sure she was comfortable and her skirts weren’t all tangled up in her legs, she clicked her teeth and Galileo gently walked out of the stables. The early morning breeze brushed against her face and Kate tilted her chin up to get as much of the sun on her as possible. It’s warmth glow was almost hugging her. Galileo gave a small snort, and she dug her heels in to quicken the pace. Within minutes they’d rode away from the Hall and were now making their way across the estate fields.

“This is what I need.” Kate muttered. “Not being cooped up in bed all day as though I were a fragile doll. This. This is what I need.”

So, focused on her words; she didn’t notice the growing clouds in the skies above.

* * *

Anthony eyed the glass of whiskey on his desk hungrily. Was it too early to be drinking? Probably. Did he care? No.

He knew drinking wouldn’t help. He’d tried that method of coping when his father died, and it hadn’t succeed. It certainly wouldn’t help now. Even so he downed the glass in a single gulp. The alcohol burned the back of his throat. But that nothing compared to never ending burning pain in his heart. He knew most gentleman didn’t involve themselves when their wives were expecting. They merely carried on as normal and if the worst happened then that was that. But Anthony wasn’t like that. He couldn’t be like that. After having to practically be a father to half of his siblings; he’d spent years looking forward to the prospect of being a father properly. And when he’d married Kate he’d finally been able to think of it as a reality rather than a dream. In some respects, he’d almost been more excited than her when she’d told him the news. It had been he who insisted not to write to their families but to tell them in person. He who had lain awake during the night trying to imagine all the thing he would be able to do with his child. It didn’t matter if it was a boy or girl. They would be loved and cared for and dotted on just as he had been with his father. It had been he who told every member of the household and estate he came across that he was the luckiest man in the world because he was going to be a father.

And it had been he who’d watched Kate miscarry.

Anthony shuddered at the memory and it instantly had him reaching for the whiskey bottle. He didn’t even know why he’d woken that night. Usually a sound sleeper; he’d woken to see Kate on her side and clutching her stomach. He’d hurried round to her side and pulled the sheets back only for them to see the blood. He’d ran for help despite knowing what was happening. And he’d held his sobbing wife in his arms when a doctor had merely confirmed it for him.

He poured another drink and swigged it back. This time anger was replacing pain. Kate hadn’t deserved this. Whilst he would be the first to admit his slate was far from spotless; Kate was different. Kate deserved everything and anything. She did not deserve to go through this. And the worst thing was there was nothing Anthony could do. He couldn’t ease her suffering. He couldn’t fix this the way he could usually fix things. He was supposed to protect his wife and give her everything she had ever wanted, and he had failed on both counts.

It was why he’d chosen to sleep in his dressing room. He couldn’t be near her knowing he’d failed her. Knowing he’d been unable to keep their child safe. Anthony knew this was no one’s fault. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he could have done _something._

He blinked back tears and realised that – for the first time in a while – he wanted his mother. Often, when things were going badly for him, he found himself wanting his father. But right now, he wanted his mother. He wanted to be a child again and for her to hug him close and promise that everything would be alright.

 _“You’re a Bridgerton.”_ She would tell them. _“That means you can do anything you put your mind to.”_

Anthony smiled thinly. He was pretty sure his mother’s words hadn’t included comforting the woman you loved after she’s miscarried. He knew he should see Kate. Talk to her. Apologise for not being able to stop this from happening. Yet he was too scared to face her. It was cowardly yes. But he didn’t want to make this worse. She’d been through enough.

Anthony eyed the window over to his left. The rain was coming down hard now. He’d initially planned to go for a ride to try and clear his head but the sudden change in weather had put pay to that idea.

“My Lord?”

Anthony glanced up to see his butler in the doorway.

“Yes? What is it?”

“It’s Wilkins. The Head Groom my Lord. He says he needs to see you urgently.”

“Of course.” Anthony hurriedly wiped at his eyes and forced himself to sit up straighter.

“Send him in.”

The butler had barely stepped aside when Wilkins burst into the office. He hurriedly removed his hat and Anthony couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow at the man’s breathlessness.

“What’s the matter? You look as though you’ve sprinted from the stables.”

“I have my Lord.” Wilkins wheezed. “When I arrived at the stables I saw the main doors had been left open. I looked inside and everything seemed okay. Except…”

“Except?”

“Galileo’s missing. So are a bridle and….and her ladyships saddle.”

Anthony jumped to his feet. “You’re quite sure about this?”

“Yes my Lord. I saw her ladyships maid over here and she confirmed that she hasn’t seen her ladyship this morning.”

“Saddle my horse.” Anthony moved so fast he nearly knocked Wilkins over.

“Saddle my horse _now_!”

“Yes my Lord.” Wilkins ran off ahead of him whilst Anthony made for the stairs. What was she thinking? She’d just suffered a miscarriage! The Doctor had advised bed rest for her to ensure nothing else would happen. Anthony was no medical expert but even he knew that bed rest did not include going out for a ride.

He took the stairs two at a time and burst into Kate’s room. Although he knew she wouldn’t be here; a small part of him had been hoping Wilkins was wrong. Or that maybe she had already returned. But the empty room that greeted him merely confirmed his headstrong wife was still outside. Anthony turned to go when there was a sudden rush of rain against the window and his body froze.

She was outside. Alone. In a rainstorm.

Anthony didn’t think of himself as overly religious. Yet he found himself glancing up at the ceiling with his hands pressed together.

“Don’t make it thunder.” He whispered. “Please. She’s suffered too much this week. Don’t force her through that as well.”

Hopefull his prayers had gotten through, he sprinted from the room and towards the stables.

* * *

“Okay.” Kate reflected. “Not quite how I imagined this would go.”

She’d managed to get about half an hour into her ride before the heavens had opened. At first the rain had been too light to really noticed. But gradually it had gotten heavier and heavier until each drop seemed to be puncturing the skin. Her hair was now plastered against her face and her bare hands stung from the cold water hitting against them. Her dress clung to her body and Kate estimated it’d been about ten minutes since she’d started shivering. Galileo trudged along and although Kate didn’t pretend to know what her horse was thinking; she was willing to bet she had a good idea what he was thinking at this precise moment.

“Come on.” She feebly patted his neck. “Let’s go home.”

Galileo trudged along – unwilling to move any faster. Kate dug her heels in but to no avail.

“The quicker we move, the quicker we get out of the rain.”

Galileo kept trudging and for a second she wondered if he was injured. He didn’t appear to be limping, but then she wasn’t an expert. Deciding it was better to be safe than sorry, she pulled him to a halt and slid her feet from the stirrups. Fortunately dismounting from a side saddle was something she could do with a small bit of grace. Kate jumped to the ground – aware that mud had now splattered all up her skirts – and gently looked at Galileo’s legs. All of them seemed fine and he didn’t seem to be in any pain. Maybe he was just cold and wet and tired. It’s not like she was relishing the idea of running at the moment.

“Okay.” She tugged the reins. “Let’s walk for a bit.”

Galileo bumped against her and Kate found herself leaning more and more against him to try and keep some of the chill off her. Water ran down her face, but she couldn’t yet tell if it was from tears or the rain. She’d tried not to think about the baby. But the more she tried to harder it was to think about anything else. A shiver racked her body. Then there was the issue of Anthony. He was a Viscount. He would need an heir. He would expect one. Whilst Kate knew he did love her, she also knew that this was part of her role as his wife. What if he didn’t think she could do it? What if he stopped loving her because of this? What if he decided someone else would be able to get the job done?

She shook her head. No. Anthony wasn’t like that. Not now. Not with her.

And yet.. he hadn’t made an effort to see her since that night. And given the time they had been married she knew plenty of people expected them to product their first child soon. Supposing Anthony was angry with her for not being able to keep the baby? Kate pressed a hand to her stomach and stumbled against Galileo. Her boots were slipping on the muddy ground and she gripped the reins tightly for balance. The easiest solution would be to ask him herself. She just wasn’t sure she wanted to hear the answer.

“Kate?”

Kate glanced up. The rain was getting louder now and coming down so fast it was difficult to make anything out. Yet she could have sworn she heard her name.

“Kate!”

“Anthony?” She strained her eyes against the murky view to try and spot him. “Anthony!”

A small, blurry figure came to a halt several feet away. Kate stared at it for a few seconds.

“Anthony!”

The figure suddenly burst forward towards her. Kate held Galileo still as Anthony rode towards her on his horse.

_“Kate!”_

The animal had barely stopped before he had dismounted and was running towards her.

“Kate!” He cupped her face. “Oh my…. Oh, look at you!”

Hair plastered to her face, dress covered in mud and tear stained eyes was perhaps not the best look when with one’s husband. But right now, it was the furthest thing from her mind. Anthony pulled her close.

“What were you thinking!”

“I needed to get out.” She mumbled. Somehow his presence had robbed her of any remaining strength. Anthony looked her up and down and Kate knew he could see her shivering.

“We need to get you inside now!” He began pulling her towards his horse. Kate stumbled alongside him.

“I can’t…” Her voice seemed unwilling to work. “I can’t go back to bed. I can’t…do that.”

“You can do whatever you want my darling.” He whispered. “But please let me get you inside before you catch a chill. I’ve been through enough this week.”

Kate said nothing as Anthony scooped her into his arms. He deposited her onto his own saddle, and she watched him hurry to take Galileo’s reins and tie them to the saddle before hurrying to mount his horse behind her. Kate shuffled up against him – aware that the saddle size meant she was practically on his lap. Anthony gripped his own reins with one hand and hugged her close against him with his other. Kate buried her numb fingers into his jacket, and it was only now that she realised he was just as soaked as she was. Anthony pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"You gave me a scare.” He whispered. “I’ve been riding all over the estate trying to find you.”

“I’m sorry.” Kate tried to curl up even tighter against him. Anything to inject some warmth into her frozen body. Tears began to leak down her face.

“Anthony I’m so sorry.”

“Hush.” He kissed her again. “You have nothing to apologise for.”

“But I do.” Her body shook again. “I do. I couldn’t do it properly. I couldn’t keep the baby for you. I lost it! I wasn’t supposed to lose it! I’m your wife and I couldn’t even-”

“Stop!” He pulled the horse to a halt and Kate glanced up to see him staring at her with a look she hadn’t seen before. There was anger there and yet somehow she knew it wasn’t aimed at her. Anthony brushed his lips against hers briefly before moving away.

“There’s a lot I need to say on that subject.” He said. “But I’d rather do it when we have privacy and aren’t in the middle of a rainstorm.”

“However,” his voice took on a sharp turn, “you are to never _ever_ apologise for what happened. Do you understand? This was not your fault!”

Kate nodded weakly. In truth she was too tired and too cold to argue. All she really wanted was to get back to Aubrey Hall and have a hot bath.

* * *

When they arrived, the grooms wasted no time in seeing to Galileo, whilst Anthony dismounted and took Kate in his arms. Last time he’d carried her anywhere it had been due to her broken leg, and she argued every step of the way that it wasn’t necessary. This time however she just curled up against him and she had a feeling her silence was causing him more concern than her constant shivers. She was vaguely aware of him yelling orders for a hot bath to be drawn and hot drinks to be brought to their room at once. But the main thing – or the only thing – she could really think about was that Anthony was holding her. He was touching her and looking at her after practically ignoring her for the past two days. None of it made any sense. Then there was the fact he’d practically shouted at her for apologising about losing the baby. That would suggest he didn’t blame her, and yet it didn’t fit in with his behaviour until this moment.

Once they reached their room; Anthony stepped back and allowed the maids to see to her. Within minutes they’d relieved her of her sodden and muddied clothes and had her soaking in a hot bath. Combined with a mug of hot tea that Kate suspected included some brandy; her chills were starting to subside, and she was beginning to feel more aware of her surroundings. Kate was content to lie in the bath for the rest of the day, but as the water began to cool off the maids wrapped her in warm towels, and she dried herself off before slipping into a thicker nightdress. Kate couldn’t help but roll her eyes as she was tucked into the bed. Even though it had only been a few hours since she’d left, it seemed as though the whole day had passed by. She waited until the maids tidied up and left before clearing her throat.

“I know you’re there.”

The connecting door between the bedroom and Anthony’s dressing room swung open. Anthony smiled weakly and Kate couldn’t help but stare at his appearance. She had to assume he too had taken a bath because the sodden clothes were gone, and he was left in just his trousers and a loose shirt. Anthony moved towards her and softly climbed onto the bed to sit beside her.

“Anthony-”

He took her face in his hands and kissed her. A new kind of heat flooded her body and despite everything, Kate’s lips coaxed and nipped at Anthony’s. A low growl came from the back of his throat and he eased away from her.

“Anthony?”

The haunted look from earlier still filled his eyes. He gently brushed her hair from her face.

“I was so scared.” He whispered. “It was raining, and I had no idea where you were. I had no idea if you were hurt or not? Every second I didn’t see you, more and more terrible thoughts filled my head.”

“I’m sorry.” Kate leant against his chest. “Truly. I needed to get away from this room and try and think about something other than what happened. I didn’t expect it to start raining. I just needed to get out.”

Anthony took her hand and brought it to his lips. Kate eyed the gesture and decided that the best way to approach the topic would be to tackle it head on.

“I needed to try and take my mind of the fact my husband has been ignoring me for two days.”

Anthony froze beside her, and Kate tugged her hand from his.

“You told me not to apologise for losing our child Anthony. Yet you have avoided me ever since it happened.”

He nodded. “I know. I’m sorry. I just….” He ran his hands through his hair.

“I didn’t want you to see me. You’d been through enough without having to stare at the man who failed his promise as well.”

“Who failed….? Anthony what are you talking about?”

“Kate I’m your husband!” He burst out. “I’m your husband and I love you with everything I have. I could give you whatever wealth or riches you desire and yet the one thing you wanted I couldn’t stop you losing. I couldn’t protect your or….” His voice cracked. “Or our baby.”

Anthony sank against the headboard. “I failed you. I failed you and our child, and I couldn’t bear for you to be faced with that reminder when you were already grieving.”

“I thought you were angry with me.” Kate whispered. “I thought you were angry I’d lost the baby. Your heir.”

Anthony shook his head. “No. Kate that could never be the case. I spent most of that awful night terrified that I would lose you both! I couldn’t have survived a loss that great. I’d rather us never try again than risk losing you.”

“But…but you need a son. You need an heir.”

Anthony turned and cupped her face with his hand. “What I need Kate, is you. As long as I have you then I am more than content.”

Kate took his free hand and allowed their fingers to softly intertwine together.

“I’m sorry.” Anthony whispered. “I’m sorry I didn’t express this until now. And I’m sorry if I ever made you feel under heavy expectations about having a child. Whilst I wish more than anything to become a father, I won’t do it at the risk of losing you. Whether that’s your life or your love for me. That loss would be too great to bear.”

His arms shifted so they were now curled around her body and Kate lay against him.

“You will never lose me Anthony Bridgerton.” She whispered. “You’re stuck with me for the rest of our lives.”

His lips brushed her forehead. “I’m pleased to hear it.”

“And when we do have children.” Kate smiled at the thought. “I know you will be the greatest of fathers. I know you will make your own father proud.”

She glanced up to see tears shimmering in Anthony’s eyes. He dipped his head and hurriedly kissed her.

“I love you.” He whispered. “And if there is one thing I will forever be thankful for, it’s having your love in return.”

“You will always have my love.” Kate kissed him back. “Always.”


End file.
